Hello, Earthlings, We Are Here to Destroy You

IF YOU CALL ME A “BOOMER” YOU ARE COMMITTING A HATE CRIME

We Can’t Impeach One of the Most Unpopular and Corrupt Presidents Ever and Risk Alienating the Racist Voters Who’d Never Vote for Us Anyway

I HAVE DECIDED TO TAKE THE PEOPLE-SWALLOWING HELLMOUTH AT ITS WORD

SO THE PRESIDENT COMMITTED A FEW HIGH CRIMES, BIG DEAL

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF CONSTANTLY BEING BULLIED FOR MY EXTREME WEALTH AND POLITICAL POWER

ALTHOUGH HE HAS MADE ZERO EFFORT TO MAKE AMENDS, IT IS TIME TO BRING STEVE THE MASTURBATOR BACK TO OUR OFFICE

LET’S NOT BLAME ME, ADOLF HITLER, FOR THE HOLOCAUST WHEN WE SHOULD BE BLAMING THE JOURNALISTS WHO PUBLISHED MY WORDS

Werner Herzog’s First Day in Improv Class

I AM AL CAPONE’S WIFE AND I’D LIKE TO UNVEIL MY NEW PLATFORM TO COMBAT ORGANIZED CRIME AMONG CHILDREN

AFTER HOURS OF TOUGH NEGOTIATIONS WITH LEGAL SCHOLAR RUDY GIULIANI, I’VE DECIDED TO END MY SPECIAL COUNSEL INVESTIGATION INTO THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN

WE DEEPLY REGRET HIRING THE PERPETRATORS OF THE SALEM WITCH TRIALS AS OPINION COLUMNISTS

IN RESPONSE TO OUR BEACH’S INCREASED NUMBER OF SHARK ATTACKS, WE WILL BE ARMING LIFEGUARDS WITH SHARKS OF THEIR OWN

I’M A WHITE PERSON WHO SAW BLACK PANTHER ON OPENING NIGHT, SO NOW I’LL CONTINUE IGNORING MY IMPLICIT RACISM FOR A FEW MORE YEARS

OUR ADMINISTRATION COULD SPEND $5 MILLION ON MENTAL HEALTH PROGRAMS FOR VETERANS, BUT WE THINK WHAT VETERANS REALLY WANT IS A BIG, EXPENSIVE MILITARY PARADE

I’ll Need Your Café’s Wi-Fi Password Because I’m Working on My Novel Today

Why Won’t Women Date Me, a Very Nice Guy?

HELLO, I AM THE MYTHICAL MIDDLE-CLASS PERSON WHO REPUBLICANS SAY WILL BENEFIT FROM THEIR NEW TAX BILL

I AM A REPUBLICAN POLITICIAN AND I GUESS IT’S COME TO THE POINT WHERE I HAVE TO DEFEND PEDOPHILIA

JUST TO BE CLEAR, THE WITCH-KING OF ANGMAR WAS AN INSIGNIFICANT VOLUNTEER IN THE GREAT ARMY OF THE DARK LORD SAURON

SURE, I’LL DENOUNCE JACK THE RIPPER, BUT I ALSO FEEL THE NEED TO ASK WHY MORE OF HIS VICTIMS DIDN’T COME FORWARD AND SPEAK OUT ABOUT HIS BEHAVIOR

YES, THE RABID WOLVES IN OUR NATIONAL PARK KEEP MAULING HIKERS, BUT THE WOLVES ARE ALL ACTING INDIVIDUALLY SO WE’RE NOT REALLY SEEING A PATTERN HERE

WHY WON’T YOU JUST LET US PASS A HEALTH CARE BILL AND KILL A FEW MILLION PEOPLE?

TMZ COVERAGE OF HISTORIC CELEBRITY FEUDS

AS YOUR DOCTOR, I AM PROTESTING THE REMOVAL OF YOUR TUMOR BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO ERASE YOUR MEDICAL HISTORY

THE TELL-TALE TRUMP

WELCOME TO OUR STARTUP WHERE EVERYONE IS 23 YEARS OLD BECAUSE WE BELIEVE OLD PEOPLE ARE VISUALLY DISPLEASING AND OUT OF IDEAS

MY NAME IS MITCH MCCONNELL AND I OWE THANATOS, THE GOD OF DEATH, 22 MILLION HUMAN SOULS

National Geographic Articles in the Year 2030

Kellyanne Conway Spins Great Works of Literature